Is Self-Care Selfish?

The Beginning of a Journey

After college, I found my dream job: I was to support students in a college ministry at my alma mater. For someone who had grown in faith during their studies, it was an exciting prospect to help other young women on their journey with Jesus. However, mentoring over 100 students turned out to be chaotic, burdensome, and exhausting. A tip: If Jesus only invested in 12 close friendships, it might not be a good idea to try for more.

The pressure I felt was enormous, and I soon realized I was caught in a downward spiral of imbalance. I had no time, energy, or motivation to build a supportive community, take care of my body, rest, or explore my faith outside of a professional context. Exhaustion manifested not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually. I felt like a ship without an anchor, tossed back and forth by the waves of responsibility.

The Turning Point

Four years later, I left my position in ministry, started a new career, and finally sat down on that white leather sofa because something had to change. I was drowning. But I didn’t need saving; I needed to learn how to swim, how to ride the waves, how to navigate the storms. During this time, I discovered self-care. Self-care encompasses any conscious activity aimed at promoting emotional, mental, and physical health. This includes prioritizing rest, setting healthy boundaries, pursuing passions, and visiting a therapist—all things I considered unnecessary, optional, and, well, selfish!

The decision to focus on self-care was not easy. At first, it felt selfish to take time for myself when so many people needed my help. Yet I realized that in order to serve others effectively, I first had to take care of myself. This realization was a turning point in my life.

The Importance of Self-Care

After years of practicing these habits, the clouds began to lift, and I could finally feel solid ground beneath my feet. Over time, I became too comfortable on my safe little island, spending most of my time alone and focusing on my needs. I built a sturdy barrier that protected me from potential dangers that could pull me back into the stormy waves of imbalance and dissatisfaction. It became predictable. Cozy. Peaceful.

But it also became isolating. And complacent. And indulgent. This was the moment I recognized the dangers of self-care. The temptation to lose oneself in the comfort zone of self-care is strong. Sometimes it’s easier to retreat than to face life’s challenges. Yet the Bible reminds us that we are not meant to live solely for ourselves.

Finding Balance

"This island had saved my life, but I was not meant to stay there forever." Instead, I was to use this focused time to develop the right tools to return to the world.

Here are three signs that we might be lingering too long in the paradise of self-care:

• We are afraid to let others onto our island. We have worked hard to gather, build, and protect our resources. Perhaps we have experienced others luring us back into unhealthy environments and practices during this process. Now we are cautious. We don’t want to undo everything we have painstakingly developed. It feels safer to hide, to avoid the risk of letting people back in, and to extend our time away from it all.
• We think we can find everything we need here. Self-care is so good. This island is full of palm trees, white sandy beaches, and crystal-clear waters. I truly believe—and know from experience—that these are God-given gifts that He can use to bless and heal us. But I also know they are not enough. If we spend all our time searching for the ultimate resource or practice to meet every desire and need, we will remain dissatisfied. We will likely end up right back where we started—burned out after seeking joy and fulfillment in the gifts rather than in the Giver.
• We forget that Jesus Himself set boundaries and withdrew to recharge, but He always returned to His mission. He showed us that true self-care empowers us to serve others and do God’s work.

The Power of Faith

Jesus took time to care for Himself: He withdrew from the crowds (John 10:40), spent time alone with the Father (Luke 5:15-16), enjoyed meals (John 12:2), slept (Mark 4:38)… but He didn’t stay there. He returned to the needy, continued His mission, used God’s Word as nourishment (Matthew 4:4), and awoke from His sleep… just in time to calm the stormy waters.

"There will be times when we need to retreat into this paradise of peace, a time when we focus mainly on ourselves."

There will also come a time when we push off from the shore and swim back into the unknown, equipped with the survival kit we built during our time there.

Practical Tips for Everyday Life

How can we ensure that we make wise use of our retreat into self-care? How can we ensure that we don’t leave behind the tools and skills we learned there?

• "It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35)—if this is not our experience when we give and serve, it’s time to ask why. Are we overwhelmed? Are we giving for the wrong reasons? Do we need a break? Even Jesus set boundaries (Luke 23:8-9). As the saying goes, "Say no to the good so you can say yes to the best!"
• Find a counselor, a trusted friend, or a family member for inspiration and accountability for your new self-care skills. Jesus sought support from His friends (Matthew 26:36-46), and Scripture is full of prayers, encouragements, and commands to both give and receive from others (Proverbs 27:17; Romans 12:4-5; Romans 15:5-7).
• There will be more storms. We will get lost. We will lose sight of dry ground. We will think north is south and east is west. Yet just like a reliable compass, God is not swayed by the changing winds. He will always be a steady source of peace (John 14:27), joy (Psalm 16:11), and comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). All other resources He can (and does) use ultimately come from Him. Therefore, we can place our hope in the Provider rather than in the provision itself.

God has graciously led me into the sanctuary of self-care, a focused time where I curled up on that white leather sofa and allowed Him to use resources like my counselor, safe friends, limited commitments, and extra rest to not only rebuild my strength but to create a new strength. A new strength that should not be used for selfish purposes but for God’s purposes.

Invitation to Reflection

How do you see God using self-care practices to build new strength within you? How is He using your survival story to help others rest safely on the shores of God’s grace?